'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'. - George W. H. Bush

In response largely to Jarrod’s request for some written evidence to provide his girlfriend of his prowess on the football field (clearly his skills off the field are not enough to impress her), and also due to the fact that this was the best and most satisfying game of football for the BNUPS in more than 18 months, I have decided to document Saturdays clash.

But where to start? Hmmm. The squad, maybe?

The Thin Blue Line
Angry Dom Gibbs ©

The Rocks
Chris “Mortgage” Sutton
Matt “Gimli/The Hawk” Evans
Jules “The Kid” Gibbs
Mike “Double first name” Allen

The Engine Room
Big Adam Rossiter
Rev. Philip J Houlding
Brett BC Carter
Matt “Donnie” Tait
“Nick The Greek” Jeffs
Ben “I should be included in the CUNTS” Gliesner
Ben’s brother Sam Gleisner
Matt “MattNich” Nichols

Consistently UNable To Score (CUNTS)
Jarrod “J-Dogg” Clyne
Hayden “Monty” Montgomery

Able Seamen
Arnu “Emu” Turvey
Andrew AJ Johnson
Johnny “The Invisible Man” Fromont

Privates First Class reporting late 2008
Alex “Buck” Rodgers in the 21st Century
Vince “Vini” Gibbs


Season 2008 has been quite the mixed bag. We started with the disappointment of having our impressive 2007 record ignored as we were only elevated the one division to the lowly 12th. Determined not to let this affect us, we proved that we should be up considerably higher with a pants-wettingly good thrashing of a division 5 Lower Hutt team to the tune of 6-0.

We kick off the season with wins over North Wellington (3-1), Lower Hutt BallKickers (6-0), and Lower Hutt DD’s (9-1) before being brought rudely to earth with a ferocious bump. We were given a solid humping, 4-2 by a new Stokes Valley team who have since gone unbeaten in the season and look to be doing to our division what a certain member of the team dreams he does to one of his co-workers. After a bit of time and a beer, our first loss in 18 months and 22 competitive matches didn’t actually hurt that much. They were a very good side who caught us by surprise a bit. The anticipated rematch certainly gives us something to aim for. We then gave an eight man Tawa side a 10-0 roasting. Pretty unsatisfying, but at least they didn’t score against us (Stokes Valley beat them 20-1).

Due to some pretty piss-poor notification from Wellington Football we missed last week’s game against Marist (though this is under appeal). Which brings us to Saturday 24th of May and our match vs Island Bay United (IBU).

The great irony of this game was that despite it being an away game for us, we couldn’t have played closer to our own club rooms had we been playing in the room itself. Conditions were not great at Wakefield Park. Considerable rain during the week and the pitter-patter of useless division 74 women’s feet had left the surface pretty boggy. Angry Dom won the first and possibly most important battle of wills. The initial win came when they went to toss the coin (this is always an opportunity for the weak of body and mind to gain an advantage). Angry Dom waved away the toss, declaring that we would stay as we are “you bastards can kick-off” (even though we ended up kicking off too. Sweeeeeeeeet). Then the cheeky bastards were trying to get us to ref the second half. While leaving it open to negotiation, there would be no negotiation.

The first half of the first half definitely belonged to dirty old Island Bay. The conditions did not suit our ball to feet style of play, simple cross field passes becoming lodged in the mud and the BNUPS were defending frequent counter attacks. They had a couple of reasonably quick, reasonably capable attackers. Jules and Mortgage managed to keep them under wraps pretty well and Angry Dom kept out the hurried shots they were getting off. But with 20 minutes gone in the first half, the deadlock was broken. An ambitious long ball was chased into the box by an Island Bay striker and Jules. The angle favoured the IBU player and a desperate lunging dive by Jules only just missed the ball but completely took out the player. Angry Dom gathered the ball and sent out for the counter-attack. However a very late whistle had stopped play and brought out a vocal side of Donnie few of us were aware existed (heheheh)… The ref had indeed called the penalty despite being back near half way (what the fuck were you doing back there with him Donnie? ;)). Anyway it was a pretty harsh call, for despite being a clear penalty in my eyes, there is no way the ref could have seen it from where he had been standing. He even asked the IBU player if he had made contact with the ball, and he said he didn’t know. Then he proceeded to apologise to us repeatedly. Dude don’t be bloody sorry, just don’t award the damn penalty!
Whatever, some tool stepped up to take it and the jacksy prick hammered it into the underside of the bar and in. Balls.

Well this seemed to galvanise the team somewhat. It wasn’t that we had been playing bad football, its just that passes hadn’t been getting to the man etc. Momentum began to shift as we made several forays down into the Island Bay half. Ben’s brother Sam and Nick the Greek began to wreak havoc down the right, forcing a few corners, which, seriously lads, should have been buried. Work on that. Monty was also causing trouble with a few of his customary lightening quick gangly-legged runs through, round, over, and under sprawling tacklers, and was cruelly denied what would have been a fantastic goal by a lucky save from the IBU keeper.

Halftime was a mixture of tactic changing, and some mutual back slapping. Despite being down on the scoreboard the game was infinitely winnable and we had dominated possession and territory in the last 20 minutes. With renewed vim and vigour (and because Ben’s brother Sam was a bit cold), we ran out onto the field for the second half after only a short break.

The result came almost immediately. MattNich, finally got some good ball down the left and began putting pressure on their defence. A corner was forced and the cross, after a bit of pinball in the box fell to the feet of Monty, who hammered it through the keepers hands and into the back of the net to tie up the scores.

We kept the pressure up and started offering plenty of shots. Donnie and Adam, ably assisted by Emu were doing a solid job occupying the middle of the park, distributing the ball over the top to Monty and Jarrod to chase and finding space down the wings for MattNich, Nick the Greek and Ben’s brother Sam. After one such run down the right by Sam and Nick, the ball was passed to the top of the box to an eagerly awaiting Emu, who proceeded to guide the ball Meninga-esque into the right side of the goal. It was a quality strike, good work Emu.

We were all over them at this point, but they hadn’t given up, its just their tactic of hack it deep and hope their strikers would get to it first wasn’t really working with AJ, Jules, Mortgage, Adam, and Nick the Greek stomping about at the back. Until after a bit of messy substituting left us a little thin at the back, suddenly had them in our quarter of the field vastly out-numbering us (they appeared to be playing an interesting 5-0-5 formation). Angry Dom came rushing out faster than you could sack Avram Grant and managed to parry the first shot away. Unfortunately the deflection fell to a IBU player who weakly nudged it toward goal. Jules got a slight deflection and Angry Dom made a desperate dive to try to push it wide, but the ball trickled in to the goal tantalisingly out of reach.

Angry Dom was pissed and swore vocally at what was a pretty unforgivable defensive lapse*. We immediately forced our way back into their half, Monty, Jules, Donnie and Adam, making strong runs at the IBU goal. We had a couple of shots go mere inches wide, but with time ticking away the winner proved elusive. That was until AJ found a ball-hungry MattNich screaming down the left hand side. MattNich picked out Jarrod haring into the corner and put a perfect through ball for him to run on to. Jarrod controlled the ball, beat one man, and hammered a clean shot beyond the keeper. A last ditch attempted clearance by an IBU defender succeeded only in forcing the ball further into the back of the net. The IBU heads dropped almost in unison as the realised the win was completely beyond their reach.

In a rare display of emotion, Jarrod was mobbed/hugged/fondled by the BNUPS, and returned to his position for the kick-off displaying a prominent erection.

It was a fine win, a bloody good game played in muddy shitty conditions which is always fun. Big game this week, we take on 2nd placed and very gay-named Seatoun Pirates (1230 at Happy Valley (we have to ref)) who have had just the one loss to the dirty ole Stokes Valley.

Servant of the Day

Donnie 3pts

Dom 2pts

Nick the Greek 1pts

The Public Service
Servicing your city's ladies since 2005

BNUPS Servant of the Season

Nick the Greek 4pts

8 players on 3 pts

BNUPS Golden Boot

Monty 5

Jarrod 4

BC 4

Donnie 4

Sam 3

Phil 3

Own Goals 3

*Its important to note here that Angry Dom is never at fault. Never.

BNU Public Service in living colour

The loneliest teapot
More teapots than a sale at briscoes
Dont run away from it Emu!!
Called into action 12 times this season, he failed to answer the call each and every time.
I know he played for us. He must! He has a uniform! But his name escapes me.
Teapot
Side-on teapot

Best caption for this one wins a prize.





Division 13 Champions 2007

Peter Thomas Mahon said it best

As usual due to my memory being shocking some of what follows may be a little questionable.

We saved our best till nearly last and for the game that didn’t even count. Here’s a very brief look at some of the astonishing numbers to tumble out of the most comprehensive BNU Public Service performance of season 2007:

75 metre punt (wind assisted)

20 corners (at least)

15 goals

6 goals to one individual

2 penalties saved

1 penalty missed

It was surely a game that will go down in the Public Service annuls as a truly memorable occasion.

Thirteen servants fronted up in the wind and rain at Porirua’s Waihora Park. Absent from the squad for the match were Johnny B. Good (junket), Monty (erotic adventure of South America), Nick the Bubble (playing Dr. Nick (Riviera – where are the bodies?) to sick missus), and Donnie (“legitimate” injury lay-off).

It was the same Porirua team that had been dismantled 9-1 in an earlier fixture including the chick who skinned MattNich in that match, a fact Aussie Dan was at pains to remind everyone of at MattNich’s expense. Well, pride comes before a fall and Aussie Dan was made to pay for his jocularity in embarrassing circumstances. After receiving a pass on his favoured left boot from centre back Emu, Aussie Dan came under immediate pressure from the female footballer. Ignoring options available to him behind and to the right, he attempted to nutmeg the chick and break into the open field behind her. But she was a little too quick for him, not only stripping the ball from between his feet but also delivering a metaphorical knee to the balls between his legs. To rub salt into the wound, as Aussie Dan ran back to retrieve the ball, she turned him easily and passed the ball off to a team mate. We all had a laugh. Sadly for Porirua this was one of the few highlights they could take from the match as the Public Service delivered an impenetrable display of attacking policy not seen since Muldoon.

Due to the numerous goals and often highly involved build up work, your humble scribe will only mention a few of the most memorable moments. A brief summary of goals scored reveals Ben Dover slamming in six (yes 6) goals, to take his season tally to 25, two goals apiece to MattNich, Jarrod Calvin Clyne, and the Rev P.J Houlding, one each to Young Jules and Emu, and one own goal. There was considerable frustration for Angry Dom who (in a rare outfield foray) missed no less than three open goals and BC who hit so much wood work he spent half the evening pulling splinters out our magical Teamgeist ball.

This was a match of several awards. The BNU were awarded their first penalty of the season. The Rev. P.J. Houlding was nominated to take the sacred shot after despatching a ferocious faux-penalty in the pre-game warm-up. The goalkeeper, a nervous looking but rotund fellow of roughly 100kgs, looked worried but prepared to topple to his left. In the end his worry proved unnecessary as the Rev P.J. Houlding uncharacteristically blasted the ball wide to the right. Protesting a moving ball right at the point of contact, the Rev. P.J. Houlding was immediately substituted.

This wasn’t to be the end of our penalty fun, as Porirua were awarded two highly dubious penalties by referee ringer Ginger Glyn. The first, a supposed handball by sweeper Sam I am, had howls of protest from everyone but, strangely, Sam I am. The penalty was awarded and the dangerous Porirua striker stepped up to take the shot. Gimli, in goal for Angry Dom due to an injury preventing him from running in the outfield was to produce one of the finest goalkeeping displays of the season. Despite initially moving the wrong way, Gimli showed remarkable agility to spring back to his left to deflect an absolute bullet.

The second penalty awarded came no less than five minutes later. Now, prior to the game Angry Dom had been giving Ginger Glyn some last minute refereeing tutelage (something he swears he’ll never do again). He happened to mention that keepers, while generally considered to have the right of way in all goal box circumstances, probably aren’t really allowed to push attackers out of the way to get to the ball. So when a Porirua corner was floated in, Gimli shouldered aside an attacker to catch the ball and was promptly whistled for a foul. An incredulous Gimli stood alone in his box, facing his second penalty attempt in five minutes. His second save was no less impressive though a little more fortuitous than his first. The Porirua penalty taker, different from the first, looked angry and focused and ready to blow in poor little Gimli’s house. “Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!” declared Gimli as, while again he picked the wrong way, he was able to change direction in time and indeed save the goal using his chin, taking the force of the blast squarely in the chips. Amid howls of delight and laughter from his team mates, Gimli dragged himself to his feet and danced a wee jig.

At the other end, things just kept getting hotter and hotter. We went into the game needing just four goals to crack the magic hundred for the season. Ben Dover got us off to the best possible start. While he somehow contrived to miss his first four shots, he comfortably buried his next three including an exquisite 25 yard drive that had the crowd (all two them) gasping. Into a violent head wind, that was the extent of the BNU scoring in the first half. But little could have prepared both teams for the onslaught that was to come in the second stanza.

The first goal of the second half was always going to be special. It would be the team’s forth goal of the day but their hundredth of the season. However the major milestone in the season came as somewhat of an anticlimax. With the bottle of Spumante chilling in the mud on the sideline, waiting for that lucky scorer who would scull it in one, the whole BNU team, Gimli included, pushed deep into the Porirua half. There were four shots that led up to the 100^th goal, two by BC thudded against the bar, one by AJ crashed into the butt of MattNich, and the last and ultimately successful shot was sadly taken by one of the Porirua team’s own players. There was a moment of confusion as no one from the BNU was quite sure who to congratulate. There was probably also a slight moment of (secretly undisclosed) relief by each member as they knew they were safe from the Spumante scull.

And from there the floodgates opened. Helped by a ludicrously strong wind which enabled Gimli to at one point punt the ball out for a goal kick at the other end on only one bounce, the game was played almost entirely in the Porirua half. And, more to the point, inside the Porirua goalmouth.

Thanks to a constant barrage of shots put up by BC being continually tipped and deflected over and round the goal posts, the BNU enjoyed at least twenty corner kicks. MattNich on the right and the Rev. P.J. Houlding had the ball almost on a string from the spot kicks and indeed MattNich, with the aid of the wind was able to score one of those jacksey corner kicks that goes in untouched by defender, keeper or attacker. From the numerous other goal box melee’s created by the corner kicks, Jarrod Calvin Clyne, the Rev. P.J. Houlding, Emu, and Ben Dover, were all able to put away scores.

Further goals came when Young Jules scored an excellent glancing header off a cross from the Rev. P.J. Houlding, Jarrod Calvin Clyne, smashed home a 10 yard half volley off a lovely cross by MattNich, Ben Dover headed home his fifth off a rebound from yet another BC shot that rattled the crossbar. MattNich and Dan combined for the team’s 13^th goal after double teaming the loud, aggressive but competitive and competent Porirua central defender and resident pommie bastard. Leaving him lying in the mud, Dan dashed left then flicked it back into the centre for MattNich, miles out of his left back position, to crash home. Despite the goal flood there was still plenty of donkey-crosses that could have catapaulted the score deep into the stratosphere had they been converted.

The Rev. P.J. Houlding stroked home a very tidy freekick from 25 yards, curling his shot into the top left hand corner of the post. The game sadly did not finish without a disturbing physical incident. During one of the highly contested goal scrambles from a corner, a Porirua player went in rather high with what must have been razor blades where his studs should be. All BNU players escaped injury but one of the Porirua defenders was left clutching a pretty awful looking wound on his left thigh. He spilt a bit of blood on his way to the sideline, so the BNU hope he’s okay.

The injury put a bit of a dampener on the last five or so minutes of the match and the BNU Public Service could only manage one final score, a breakaway finish by none other than Ben Dover, put through by a classy Mortgage, who tapped home the 15^th and final goal of the game. It’s pretty safe to say now that Ben Dover (25) will be awarded the BNU Public Service Golden Boot, it being unlikely that his closest rivals, The Rev. P.J. Houlding (15), Jarrod Calvin Clyne (14), and Monty (12) will post the dozen or so individual goals needed to overhaul Ben Dover’s mammoth goal total in the last game.

In one final award, a new one, the Official BNU Public Service Blowfly Award will this week be given to one Matthew “Donnie” Tait, who displayed a remarkable ability to swallow a mountain of bullshit on Saturday night and indeed get to the end of nearly 1600 words believing we’d scored 15 goals and that Ben Dover had scored six. Thanks Donnie, we all think you’re a jolly good sport, and can I just say now that it wasn’t my idea. And the Rev. P.J. Houlding wanted me to add that there is no way he would have missed a penalty had we been awarded one.

What really happened on Saturday 11 August: BNU Public Service vs Porirua

Well I’ve run out of time and imagination to write another report but here’s a brief summary for Donnie and our international readership.

For the second time in four weeks they opened the scoring. And it was as big a steaming pile of bullshit as ever fell out of a bull’s arse. The jacksey bastard miss-kicked a cross and the wind carried it high over Gimli’s head and in. We equalised through Jarrod Calvin Clyne who buried a very nice cross by MattNich. Then they fired a shot which produced the save of the season by Gimli, a full length horizontal dive about four feet in the air. But then they scored again from yet another miss-kicked shot that was carried in by the bloody strong wind that we found ourselves running into in the first half.

At half time we were down 2-1 but thankfully most of the lad’s heads were up. It took us a good 20 minutes to get the equalizer though. After some very good build up work, Young Jules, who’d moved up into the front line, nodded home a nice cross by the Rev. P.J. Houlding. Then the Rev. P.J. Houlding scored to put us in front. Finally Ben Dover put the result beyond doubt with the 4^th, his 20^th and the team’s 100^th goal. Sadly we didn’t get ourselves organised for the Spumante scull so that will happen this week. We won 4-2, showing some good fight-back. Along the way, Aussie Dan got skinned by the chick, Ben Dover missed a couple he should have buried, there were a few spiteful challenges, AJ did a couple of shocking foul throws that weren’t called (cheers Ginger Glyn), and BC did indeed rattle the woodwork on numerous occasions.

So this game vs the Island Bay Piglets is the last game of the season (at least I think it is).

The table below shows the current championship situation:

	Played	Won	Draw	Loss	GF	GA	Pts
Public Service	3	2	1	0	8	3	7
Island Bay Piglets	3	1	1	1	6	5	4
Wainuiomata	3	1	1	1	6	8	4
Brooklyn Pints	3	1	1	1	3	6	4
SV Sunshine	4	1	0	3	6	7	3

So we sit three points clear with all three chasing teams below us needing us to lose and to lose by at least 6 goals. Course we want to win this competition and win it well so there ain’t no slackin’ this week. We are likely missing Young Jules (fractured metatarsal), Monty (erotic adventures of South America), and Johnny B. Good (unknown).

We play against the Island Bay Piglets at 12:30 on Saturday at McAllister Park. Tell your friends, tell your families, tell your work colleagues and strangers on the street. It’d be good to have some support, and we’ll have a few drinks on the sideline before, during (spectators only – we’re finely tuned athletes, men, athletes!) and after the match.

A belated report

The build up to this match could not have gone any worse. Days before the match we were informed that the 13^th division, which we had dominated from start to finish was to be divided up into a 5-5-4 split, with top five teams playing each other once to decide an overall champion. All the hard work that had been expended in compiling an unbeaten 11 win, two draw, 35 point record and a goal difference of +88 was to be for nothing as all points and goals were reset to zero. Following this news was the draw which had the BNU Public Service sent out to the mystical valley of Stoke to clash with probably the strongest opposition of the first round, the Sunshine. Despite a first round win 4-0 against the Sunshine, it was unanimously agreed that this would be one of our toughest games. The Sunshine were young, fast, aggressive and reasonable footballers, and the BNU were considerably depleted. A call by Nick the Greek on the morning of the match announcing his unavailability meant that only 11 Servants took the long trek out to Upper Hutt.

The minute by minute (or roughly) report of the match between BNU public Service and the Stokes Valley Sunshine played at Delaney Park in Stokes Valley on Saturday 21^st of July. (Format nicked from The Guardian)

Team: 4-4-2

Gimli, Angry Dom, Young Jules, Monty, Mortgage, AJ, BC, Donnie, Aussie Dan, The Rev. PJ Houlding, Jarrod Calvin Clyne.

Absent: MattNich, Emu, Johnny B. Good, Nick the Greek, Ben Dover, Sam I am.

An injury to Gimli meant he was handed the hallowed number 1 jersey by Angry Dom, who bounded enthusiastically out to right back.

1: Only 11 Servants turned up for the match, 4 of those less than a minute before kick off.

2: Aussie Dan misses a pass.

6: The Rev. PJ Houlding is unable to score on a break away. The Rev. PJ Houlding expected the keeper to come out from the goal to shut down his shot on goal, instead the keeper remains rooted to the spot, a classic tactic, and The Rev. PJ Houlding, completely confused, shoots straight at him.

8: Aussie Dan misses a tackle.

15: Monty went for a run.

25: GOAL: the bastards scored one against us. The first time in 13 matches that the BNU have been behind on the scoreboard. A chip ahead had all the defenders racing back to cover the threat. The Sunshine secured the ball at the top of the box and sent the ball out to an unmarked left midfield who drove in an absolute pearler from about 20 yards. Fairly unstoppable for poor old Gimli.

30: Aussie Dan is nowhere to be found in a BNU counter attack down the left side.

35: A nice corner is pushed just over the Sunshine cross bar by BC.

40: Aussie Dan misses yet another tackle.

45: The BNU trudge angrily off the field. Team talks abound.

46: Rejuvenated BNU attack

55: Angry Dom goes haring off down the right, Donnie puts in a beautifully weighted lob that Angry Dom angles into the path of Jarrod Calvin Clyne who dribbles to the left of the keeper and puts away the equalizer.

65: Aussie Dan goes walkabout.

70: Donnie puts in a sublime through ball for The Rev. PJ Houlding to run on to. This time expecting complete inaction by the goal keeper The Rev is able to guide home the goal that gives the BNU Public Service a lead they will not relinquish.

85: Aussie Dan turns up, claiming an extended lapse into dreamtime he blames entirely on the booze he had the night before. The excuse is accepted by the team.

90: Game over. 2-1. Sweet.

Man of the Match: Toss-up between Young Jules and BC. Awarded to both.

Bastards

BNU Public Service vs BNU Pints

As much as we hate playing them it was a reasonably competitive match and they made us work hard. Admittedly so did that b*astard of a home ground, Happy Valley. Reduced to a muddy cesspool by weeklong rain and a light drizzle on the day, it only got worse. A first half goal by Ben Dover after being sent through by BC was countered by a lateish medium range strike by the Pints that just beat the outstretched diving hand of Angry Dom. The match was highlighted by two non decisions. The refs whistle stayed loudly silent as Sam was blatantly pulled off the ball as he was through on goal. Then when the Pints striker was passed the ball in a shocking offside position, the whistle went for a goal, but was reversed after a considerable verbal outburst by the Public Service defensive set. The one that got away but it does mean the final game of the season has a little bit more riding on, depending on this weeks results. Final score 1-1.

The Public Service have the “bye” this weekend and have been given a second match against the Porirua team they thrashed 9-1 earlier this season. They sit just four goals shy of the magic 100 for the season, and this appears to be the game to grab those four goals.

Watch this space.

Revenge is sweet

BNU Public Service vs Wainuiomata

We were hunting revenge as we stomped our way over into the palatial Wainuiomata for our match vs the hosts at Richard Prouse. Our first round 0-0 draw had left a nasty taste in the mouth, and we needed a good win to take back the top of the 13A table.

It was a pretty comprehensive effort that saw us stride off 5-1. Two goals apiece to BC (both off his nut) and Jarrod Calvin Clyne, and one to leading scorer Ben Dover, were matched by a long distance goal after Angry Dom came sprinting out after a certain defender who shall remain nameless got nutmegged. A good result and the top of the table was ours again. Final score 5-1.

A brief history of time (last three games)

BNU Public Service vs Stokes Valley Sunshine

We showed good mettle and strong resolve to fight back from a first half one nil deficit. Second half goals to strikers Rev. PJ Houlding and Jarrod Calvin Clyne, saw us maintain our unbeaten record and keep us in the running to take out the second section of division thirteen, which has seen us grouped with the Sunshine, BNU Pints, Wainuiomata, and the Island Bay Piglets. Final score 2-1.